


Bruce found the spreadsheet

by Elfwreck



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Batdickery, Cockblocking, List Fic, Other, Sequel, Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-10
Updated: 2011-05-10
Packaged: 2017-10-22 21:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/242660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elfwreck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim's not ready for sex, and Bruce is determined to make sure he knows it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bruce found the spreadsheet

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A preliminary examination of potential significant others (last saved by T. Drake)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/118678) by [Betty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Betty/pseuds/Betty), [Petra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petra/pseuds/Petra). 



> Original story was inspired by thefourthvine's [prompt](http://liviapenn.livejournal.com/407216.html?thread=4020400#t4020400), "I want the story where someone sits down and thinks that, and lists every single person in the canon (probably in some kind of database, with numerical codes and assigned weights for each category and stuff) and weighs all the pros and cons and finally, after a lot of careful deliberation, selects a candidate for the position of Significant Other." Betty & Petra wrote the starting point in that process.

**Allen, Bart**  
• He's too young for you.  
• See notes in database on speedster biology.

 **Anders, Kory**  
• Consider researching Tamaranian courtship practices  
• Percentage of Tamaranian widows may also be a concern.  
• Anatomy may be less compatible than you assume  
• Dick is very, very flexible.

 **Aquista, Darla**  
• Avoid romantic entanglements with people trying to kill you.  
• The formerly-dead tend to be mentally unstable

 **Bertinelli, Helena**  
• Is likely to perceive you as "student" and therefore off-limits  
• Especially after I tell her what school you attend.  
• She dated your history teacher.

 **Brown, Stephanie**  
• Proven history of lack of forethought re: sexual relations  
• Keeps extensive notes in unencrypted media  
• Strong connection to several criminals

 **Cain, Cassandra**  
• Is a virgin  
• Likely to perceive some erotic activities as a form of combat  
• Her first sexual liaisons should be with someone with faster reflexes  & more physical strength than her. For their safety.

 **Carr, Snapper**  
• You can do better.

 **Choi, Grace**  
• *Would* break you in half.  
• Is not gentle with her partners.

 **Curry, Arthur**  
• Ability to breathe underwater brings up intriguing possibilities  
• Telepathic exhibitionist: every fish in a hundred-mile radius knows what  & who he's done.

 **Dearden, Mia**  
• Proven history of lack of forethought re: sexual relations  
• Has crush on Oliver Queen, indicating extremely poor taste

 **Dowd, Bernard**  
• You can do *much* better.  
• No civilians.

 **El, Kon**  
• Lacks control of powers, especially in extremis  
• Potential unknown "programming" concerns  
• The phrase "awesome, dude!" should not trigger erotic flashbacks  
• See database notes on Kryptonian mating habits

 **Fite, Anita**  
• Ishido Maad likely to provide avuncular interference  
• Single parent; romantic attachments likely to involve babysitting

 **Flores, Catalina**  
• Obsessive, irrational, violent even by vigilante standards  
• Known killer  
• Wrong side of the hero/villain line.

 **Gordon, Barbara**  
• So far out of your league I'm not even going to offer dissuasions.  
• If you make the attempt, I *will* keep the footage.

 **Grayson, Dick**  
• Exhibitionist tendencies  
• Refuses to allow gravity to interfere with sex life; risk of disability or death for non-meta partners.  
• Prone to gossip among team members  
• Detailed, explicit gossip.

 **Harper, Roy**  
• Often moody and depressive  
• Single parent; romantic attachments likely to involve babysitting  
• Multiple piercings indicate a tendency toward self-mutilation caused by guilt and low self-esteem  
• This aspect of the "Robin legacy" is overdue for retirement.

 **Hawke, Connor**  
• Likely to discuss noteworthy events with Harper, Queen, possibly Dearborn.  
• Awkward, mutually-inexperienced dating antics would provide much entertainment throughout hero community

 **Hayes, Greta**  
• Emotionally unstable, esp where family members are concerned  
• Likely virginal

 **J'onzz, J'onn**  
• Relationships with telepaths are problematic  
• Refuses to use shapeshifting abilities for kink purposes

 **King-Jones, Cissie**  
• Celebrity; her romantic activities are subject to media attention  
• Do NOT allow Robin to be featured on ohnotheydidnt

 **Kord, Ted**  
• Was/is in committed relationship  
• Prone to "practical jokes" utilizing advanced technology

 **Kyle, Selina**  
• Strong affinity for whips and sharp implements  
• Do not allow extraneous activities to interfere with the Mission

 **Lance, Dinah**  
• History of poor judgment re: romantic partners  
• Jealous ex-boyfriend prone to irrational actions toward her current partners

 **Lane-Kent, Clark**  
• Jealous wife.  
• Tendency to slip into Kryptonian (language and cultural habits) in times of passion  
• Prone to attempting to arrange threesomes with jealous wife  
• Clingy, stalker-ish behavior when romantically involved  
• See database notes on Kryptonian mating habits

 **Lane-Kent, Lois**  
• Husband prone to attempting threesomes  
• Takes extreme risks for job, expecting rescue by romantic partners

 **Lee, Jubilation**  
• Spends excessive time around telepaths  
• Any situation allowing regular contact likely to require attentions focused elsewhere

 **Logan, Garfield**  
• Prone to shapeshifting for "humor" purposes  
• Prone to accidental shapeshifting in extremis

 **Luthor, Lex**  
• Prowess unaffected by radiation  
• Potential romantic partners are vetted by Mercy Graves

 **no last name, Diana**  
• So far out of your—scratch that.  
• If you can get past first base without sustaining injuries, I'll replace the Redbird with something better.

 **no last name, Indigo**  
• Cybernetic brains can have virus or problematic programming  
• Limited experience adjusting reactions for human limitations

 **no last name, Shift**  
• Prone to shapeshifting in ways incompatible with human anatomy

 **no last name, Slo-bo**  
• Overly-susceptible to hypnotic suggestion  
• Unlikely to have skill keeping physical reactions within human safety limits

 **Pennyworth, Alfred**  
• Performance unhindered by age  
• Don't ask.  
• No, really: DON'T ask.

 **Queen, Oliver**  
• Strongly prefers women.  
• Would likely sleep with your girlfriend and stepmother as well. Possibly at same time.  
• Possibility of being laughed out of superhero community for including his name on this list.

 **Rayner, Kyle**  
• See database notes on Lantern relationships  
• There's a reason Robin's cape has always been yellow.

 **Sandsmark, Cassie**  
• Likely to lack full control of her strength  
• See database notes on Amazonian mating habits.

 **Stone, Victor**  
• Cybernetics have risk of viruses or other hostile programming  
• Logan likely to request/demand threesome(s)

 **Todd, Jason**  
• The formerly-dead tend to be mentally unstable  
• Takes out frustrations on nearest target  
• Would likely attempt to distract you from the Mission or change its focus  
• Knows locations of R-points; would not be able to get away in case of disagreements  
• Disagreements likely to leave you with serious injuries  
• Former smoker; could relapse

 **Troy, Donna**  
• Likely to cause tensions with Dick  
• See database notes on Amazonian mating habits.

 **Wayne,** **Bruce**  
• What persona, tiger? I'm sure I've no idea what you're talking about, ha ha ha.  
• Vast video library  
• Extensive database of notes re: video library  
• Extensive knowledge of adolescent vigilante sexuality

 **Wilson** **, Slade**  
• Obsessive, irrational, violent even by vigilante standards  
• Known killer  
• Wrong side of the hero/villain line.  
• Enjoys bloodplay.  
• Has never heard of SSC or RACK

 **Woosan, Shiva**  
• History suggests willingness to adjust partners' anatomy to her preferences  
• Wrong side of hero/villain line

 **Zor-El, Kara**  
• Bruce would disapprove  
• Clark would disapprove  
• See database notes on Kryptonian mating habits

**Author's Note:**

> There's a followup comic, with a discussion between Tim and Bruce, by emidemic at tumblr; original is gone, but jcolney saved this:[Read this (ignore the long white space just go right past it and read)...](http://jcolney.tumblr.com/post/14384361988/emidemic-read-this-ignore-the-long-white-space)


End file.
